


Relationship Interviews

by TheRepeat



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Humor, Is there a tag for "coworkers get frustrated with each other"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27202612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRepeat/pseuds/TheRepeat
Summary: You know, your bog-standard interviews to make sure the army stays in fighting form, even if some people want to canoodle. Kind of a thankless job, but someone's got to be the interviewer.
Kudos: 17





	Relationship Interviews

Hanneman had to briefly remove his monocle to rub the bridge of his nose more thoroughly. “Professor, just _what_ about this do you not get?”

Byleth sat behind her desk, hands clasped and resting atop it, wearing a purely neutral stare as she looked between Professors Manuela and Hanneman in the two chairs opposing her desk. Completely deadpan as ever, “I don’t understand the tradition. Seems like it’d be problematic.”

Hanneman replaced his monocle. “It is simply one of the roles a professor at Garreg Mach monastery must perform,” he explained, for what was probably the third time. “Occasionally, students will date each other. It simply happens. They’re teenagers and young adults.”

“As professors, we must walk them through the minefield of relationships.” Manuela’s tone was much more patient, even bearing a smile. (Hanneman could only imagine her pleasure was derived from Hanneman’s own annoyance.) “They are not just students, but warriors and leaders, so we must be clear with them about boundaries and let them know what is and isn’t okay.”

Byleth peered skeptically at the notebook they had handed to her as soon as they entered her office. The paper was part rulebook, part questionnaire, and was packed with assurances about when a problematic relationship would need to terminate, or how to be professional with a romantic partner or ex-romantic partner while in public or on the battlefield. Capped off with a cozy line awaiting some smitten students’ signatures.

All well and good, but, “If this many guidelines are needed, then it’s a problem. Just ban relationships.” She set the notebook down. “Saves all of our time.”

This time, even Manuela rolled her eyes, while Hanneman threw his head back and groaned.

“No, no, no!” Hanneman insisted. He stared Byleth in the eye. “Listen, Professor, I get it. It _is_ a time sink. Scheduling meetings at the romantic whimsy of our students is a suboptimal use of our time. I GET IT. But Professor, I’ve taught at this school for many, many years. I, too, got fed up with it, and I was able to convince Seteth to ban it for a full year. It _did not work.”_

Byleth’s eyebrow quirked. “In what way.”

“If you tell these children ‘no’, then they figure out ways to do it stealthily,” Manuela said. “And unhealthily, and _unsafely.”_

“To the tune of a notably higher dropout rate due to relationship drama, and _quintuple_ the previous year’s pregnancy rate,” Hanneman said coldly. “Related: our sexual education seminars were instituted the following year. And I never considered cutting out relationship interviews again.”

Byleth rubbed her chin. Food for thought, to be sure. Not something she’d expected she’d have to deal with when she took this job, but her professorship offered no shortage of surprises anyway.

“Okay. I understand now.” She nodded. “Thank you for explaining.”

The two veteran professors leaned back and let out slight exhales of relief.

Byleth nodded again. “Then I will begin relationship interviews at once, and I will teach them not to enter relationships with each other. Thus, that will not become problem.”

It was Manuela’s turn to throw her head back and groan loudly, while Hanneman buried his face in his hands.

Byleth tilted her head quizzically. “Is that incorrect?”

“Did you not even read the questionnaire?!” Manuela exclaimed, her sudden loss of patience surprising the other two. “You always seemed so smart, but your reading comprehension seems to have suddenly vanished! We aren’t convincing them _not to date,_ that’s just cruel!”

Byleth’s expression didn’t change. “In battle, we—”

“Oh, SPARE us the proselytizing,” Hanneman snapped. “Professor, you are very competent, and we have great respect for you, but _please_ trust our judgment here.”

Byleth tilted her head the other way, sparing it some thought. The two professors across from her crossed their arms and exchanged exasperated glances, sharing a rare solidarity.

“…Then—may I ask for a test run?”

Hanneman peered skeptically at Byleth, not sure if he should be optimistic about Byleth perhaps finally getting it. “Sure…”

Byleth pointed at both professors. “With both of you. Playing pretend.”

Manuela clasped her hands together, smiling brightly. “Ah! Of course, yes. That would be wonderful!” She touched Hanneman’s arm. “Don’t you agree, Professor?”

“Yes, quite,” said Hanneman, adjusting his monocle and letting optimism win this time. “Shall we begin?”

Byleth nodded and picked up the notebook. Clearing her throat: “Clause 1. Significant age differences. Students between the ages of 15 and—”

“Are you really going to read from it verbatim?” Manuela asked.

Byleth glanced up at her. “Should I not?”

“Come now, Professor, not every clause is going to be relevant to every relationship,” said Hanneman with a chuckle. “And you may have additional things to discuss that may not be in the fine print. This doesn’t have to be overly formal. You could view it as a celebration of love! Hohoho.”

Byleth’s eyes narrowed. “I see.”

“Even if the clause _is_ relevant, you’ll bore them to tears if you just read straight from it!” Manuela added. “We’re here to help and inform, not threaten.”

Byleth tapped the pages with her finger. “So I should study this. …Making this an even bigger time sink than I imagined.”

Hanneman struggled to continue smiling. “Y-Yes, but… do not be discouraged! As long as you cover the basics, winging it can work.”

“The basics being?”

Manuela counted on her fingers. “Relationships can’t interfere with anyone’s duties, bad blood from breakups can’t interfere with anyone’s duties, and excessive PDA is frowned upon.”

“PDA?”

“Public displays of affection. Canoodling, if you will.”

Byleth nodded gravely. “Canoodling.”

Hanneman’s eyebrows furrowed. “Frowned upon? I thought it was banned.”

Manuela twirled her finger in her hair, not meeting either professors’ eye. “I… seem to recall that rule not being so extreme.”

“I’m quite certain it is banned,” said Hanneman sternly. “It is unprofessional and distracting.”

“I see no issue with… people… in love, of course… showing certain, ah, levels of affection for each other.” Manuela twirled her hair more intensely. “Within reason.”

Byleth’s finger found its place on the page. _“Excessive displays of affection are prohibited. This includes kissing, lewd behavior, overly tender embraces, and ocular intercourse.”_

Manuela scowled. “Oh, and here comes Ms. Encyclopedia. Who decides what’s ‘overly tender’? And what the hell is ‘ocular intercourse’?”

Byleth met Manuela’s eye, quoting the page without having to look. _“A couple gazing into one another’s eyes… deeply, and with lewd intent.”_

“Eye contact?” Manuela said with a laugh, still meeting Byleth’s gaze. “How puritanical can you…” She tilted her head, unable to look away. “…get…?”

With Manuela’s lips parting and eyes glazing, and Byleth’s stare utterly neutral, it was several seconds before Hanneman finally clapped his hands together to break Manuela out of her trance. She blinked several times and smoothed her cloak to compose herself, eyes turned downward and bearing a slight blush. Byleth impassively returned her attention to her notebook and continued reading.

“That’s enough of establishing the rules,” Hanneman said. “Did you need anything else before we go, Professor?”

Byleth glanced up at him with a furrowed brow. “But we haven’t started the practice yet.”

“We—” Hanneman blinked. “But I—”

“Listen.” Byleth clasped her hands together and placed them on her desk, and for the first time, she smiled slightly. “Thank you for coming in today. I’m happy to hear about the two of you.”

Hanneman shook his head. “What in the blazes are you—” But he was interrupted by Manuela’s elbowing him. “Ah—right! Yes, Professor Manuela and I are… quite happy together. So far.”

“We’re students, so just Manuela,” Manuela whispered. She then smiled her most political smile and looped her arm around Hanneman’s, causing the older professor to flinch. “Yes, we appreciate your congratulations, Professor. Now, what’s this meeting all about again? In my youthful, love-addled mind, I seem to have forgotten.”

“Laying it on a little thick,” Hanneman muttered.

“Because so many students here at Garreg Mach represent the future of Fódlan, it’s natural that we want to make sure any relationships are handled healthily and professionally,” said Byleth. “This will be a short interview to make sure you understand the boundaries you will be expected to uphold.”

Hanneman cleared his throat. In the best Almyran accent he could do, he inflected, “Err, gotcha! Thank ya kindly fer meetin’ us, Professor.”

The room was silent. Byleth’s expression never changed, but Hanneman glanced at Manuela and found her wearing the most disgusted expression he’d ever seen from her, and that was no small feat. Swallowing nervously, Hanneman turned back to Byleth and failed to force a convincing grin.

“…Let’s keep going,” said Byleth, mercifully. “Naturally, if this relationship ever becomes problematic and interferes with either of you fulfilling your duties, then we will ask you to terminate the relationship. On the battlefield, favoritism, as well as its inverse, can cost lives.”

“Of course,” Manuela said sweetly, so cloying it made Hanneman’s blood boil.

Still stinging from Manuela’s wordless contempt a moment ago, Hanneman decided to dissent. As like, a curveball or something, right? “O-Oh yeah? The heart wants what it wants, Professor. You can’t just tell us to break up!” To punctuate, he hesitantly placed his hand on top of Manuela’s, making it her turn to flinch.

Byleth tilted her head. “Yes I can.”

Silence returned. Hanneman’s ears were turning red from embarrassment, and he cleared his throat and removed his hand from Manuela’s.

“…Oh, right. Uh… okay.”

Silence again.

Byleth continued. “Now. If you two end your relationship on your own, it’s important that you two are professional and impartial about it and do not let bad blood occur. Naturally, ugly breakups _do_ happen, but should it come to that, I ask that neither of you allow any bitterness to enter the classroom or the battlefield, or it will be grounds for disciplinary action.”

Hanneman’s eyebrow quirked. Damn, she was good. Hadn’t even had to look at the notebook once.

“We understand,” Manuela said with a nod.

Hanneman had had his fill of acting out, so he agreed. “Yes, of course.” (No accent this time.)

Byleth paused for a moment, expecting further antics from them but unfortunately getting none. She shrugged and continued. “On to excessive public displays of affection, or PDA. This can be very distracting to other students and is quite unprofessional. It is banned on Garreg Mach’s grounds.”

“We understand,” Hanneman said with a nod. He glanced at Manuela.

Her expression was slightly conflicted, like she was looking for words. Hanneman frowned, confused.

“So, like…” Manuela glanced away, thinking. “I get that that’s like, _‘don’t have sex in the courtyard,’_ and stuff, but harmless things like… kissing, that’s fine, right?”

Byleth frowned. “It’s… banned, Manuela.”

Manuela laughed. “Oho, don’t be so strict, Professor! Surely a peck here and there is no harm to anyone?”

Hanneman raised an eyebrow. Manuela was really committing to this bit, hm.

“The less attention is drawn to relationships, the better,” said Byleth. “It’s unlikely you’d be expelled for something that tame, but I’ll be calling you two into another of these meetings if you do so.”

 _You two?_ Hanneman suddenly remembered that Manuela’s shtick was implicating him. “Ahaha, but of course you have nothing to worry about in that regard, Professor. We will be nothing but professional.”

Manuela glared at him. “So you would agree that what we did behind the greenhouse was _professional,_ would you not? And well within the guidelines?”

Hanneman’s jaw dropped. Byleth, interest piqued, closed her notebook.

“I—we—no!” He turned to Byleth, pleading. “We didn’t do anything, I swear!”

“I knew it! You’re just saying that because you’re embarrassed.” Manuela pulled her arm off of his so she could cross both of her arms, and she turned away in a huff. “I _knew_ you didn’t like me that way.”

This bit was going too far, and Hanneman really had no words.

“If…” Byleth tilted her head, thinking. “If you weren’t _caught,_ then… I suppose it doesn’t count as a _public_ display of affection, correct?”

“Yes!” Manuela beamed. “It’s just DA! You _get_ it, Professor!”

“So you just have to _never get caught,”_ said Byleth, her eyes boring into Manuela’s. “Ever. And if you do…”

She trailed off, and Manuela began to sweat. Hanneman was, just, COMPLETELY lost.

“I, aha, of course,” said Manuela, with a cough. “I’ll just… be very careful.”

“You may want to pick a new hiding spot in the future,” Byleth said. Her voice was still deadpan, but there was something unmistakably icy about it now. “It would be unbecoming for these guidelines to have to be enforced on a professor.”

 _Professor…? Isn’t that breaking…_ Hanneman’s teeth clenched and his eyes narrowed. _…Character. Ah._

“Haha… I, yes, well, that would be best.” Manuela absently fluffed her hair.

There was a moment of awkward silence. It was Hanneman’s turn to give Manuela a look of disgust.

“Well, I think this was a productive session,” said Byleth, smile returning as she stood up. “Good luck, you two! Stay safe.” She gave a thumbs up. “And try your best not to get pregnant!”

And now, completing the trilogy, Manuela and Hanneman both gave Byleth a contemptuous look.

Byleth wasn’t fazed.

“Don’t… actually tell students that,” Manuela grumbled.

“What she said.”

Byleth shrugged. “Our methods don’t have to be identical.” She sat down, her attention already shifting to some papers she needed to grade. “I’ll let you two go. Sorry to keep you so long.”

“As long as you finally understand why this is so important,” said Hanneman. “Hopefully, you won’t have to do too many of these, though! Hahaha.”

“Unfortunate,” Byleth stated, without looking at him. “I have a lot of un-cancelling to do.”

Manuela’s eyebrows raised, lips trembling in shock. “Y-You, you… you CANCELLED a relationship interview?!”

“Eight this semester.”

Manuela stumbled and had to catch herself on Hanneman. “Oh, Goddess, our pregnancy rates,” she murmured faintly.

…

* * *

**_!!Relationship Interviews!!_ **

_Got a girlfriend? Got a boyfriend? Heck, got both? Reach out to your local professor and let them know, so you can organize a li’l shindig to make it Garreg Mach official!_

**“But Professor, what IS a relationship interview?”**

_Only the time of your life! The professors are your friends and they’re here to help. Have a short chat with them about the Dos and Don’ts of Love, and then it’s Snog City, Population: You!_

_Not sure if your relationship qualifies? You can figure that out during the interview! I mean, you already told your new smooch pal how you feel, so you can OBVIOUSLY do the same in front of your professor! Everyone knows how easy it is to define relationships!_

_Have a LOVE-ly day!_

(You see what I did there? Love? Lovely? Like, _love_ as in romance, and _lovely_ as in day. Because these are relationship interviews. Get it? Comedy.)

This message paid for by Professor Byleth.

©Garreg Mach Monastery, 1180

* * *

Seteth’s scowl deepened the further he read, and he had no words for a long moment afterward. Futilely opening and closing his mouth turned into slow nods as he gradually assured himself that justice would be served.

“…We’ll be having another faculty meeting today.”

He almost forgot to rip the flyer off the wall before he stormed toward the Professor’s quarters.

**Author's Note:**

> “Claude convinced me to make the flyer more “fun”.”  
> “Why do you NEED a flyer?!”
> 
> Author's note:  
> I wish we got more on-the-job professor interactions in the game. Maybe a teacher's lounge. That would’ve been really entertaining.


End file.
